me, my hip and i

So I decided that, really, being low and miserable and sad is no way to make myself feel any better about anything. Leo – my lovely girlyfriend – spent yesterday on the ‘net researching stuff that would make me feel better. Anyway, apparently research shows that many of the symptoms of osteoarthritis (OA) can be controlled by diet. Naturally, I was dubious about this because you don’t have to be Gillian McKeith to know that healthy, pain-relieving diets very rarely include Dr Oetker’s very lovely spicy vegetarian pizzas or Cadbury’s Boasters.

And of course I was right. My new diet forbids me to eat wheat or potatoes or dairy or tomatoes or just about anything else nice or tasty or yummy that you could possibly think of. I’m not allowed red meat either, but being a vegetablarian that’s less of a loss, really. Anyway, I went to the healthfood store and bought quinoa and soya milk and tons of vegetables and so far we have devised two recipes that were actually very tasty. Last night’s was Green Supreme, basically a risotto-esque concoction with lots of green vegetables and toasted seeds, and it was yum. We did seem quite gaseous afterwards, though. In fact, I was so gaseous that Leo could hear me being gaseous in the bath whilst she was downstairs in the kitchen. Ahem.

I was under the impression that cutting out wheat and sugar and stuff reduced one’s propensity to flatulence, but apparently not. We’ve had a week off work this week, and we’ve been entertaining ourselves by watching tv programmes featuring people whose suffering is greater than ours. The Diet Doctors have been the best purveyors of such fun – these two middle-aged, middle class, shining and glossy professionals systematically annihilate the lifestyles of the fat and the sweaty in their shining and glossy clinic and then make them eat roots and berries to decongest their bunged up colons. Everyone loses weight, gains energy and loses all their unsightly skin conditions as quickly as you can say ‘colonic irrigation.’ So when I realised I was going to have to submit myself to the same kind of punsihing regime I thought I knew what to expect. Sadly, I think I am single-handedly responsible for a hole in the ozone layer over Aberystwyth and also probably to blame for this weekend’s glorious sunshine thanks to strangely localised global warming over my estate.

On the plus side, I have actually felt better today. I’ve been springier and bouncier and able to walk up the stairs placing one foot in front of the other, rather than doing one at a time. I even managed a few ascents without using the bannisters. Go me, eh? In fact, this afternoon I actually donned my pink cowboy hat and danced round the living room pretending to be Madonna on Live Earth yesterday. I have to admit I’ve watched her singing with Eugene and Serge from Gogol Bordello on YouTube about fifty million times today, largely because it was the funniest, most Eurovision-esque thing I’ve seen in years. Anyway, I’m sure you’re all bored of it by now, so instead, here’s a clip of Eugene Hutz singing the same song in the back of someone’s car. Whilst it’s going along. Genius stuff.

But yes, getting back to the point, dancing in the gypsy punk-stylee in one’s living room is not so good for one’s mobility, especially when said mobility is already impaired by degenerative diseases, so consequently I’ve been hobbling a bit this evening. But lovely Leo has promised me that she will give me a nice massage later, which she did last night. The muscles around my glutes and quads have been much looser and more relaxed today. In addition, I’ve been learning range-of-movement exercises from the magnificent expertvillage.com and Leo’s been picking up Swedish massage tips.

Gosh, I’m spoilt. Later on I’ll have another hot bath, with some salt in. I was hoping to have Epsom Salts, but my friend who was buying them for me forgot what they were called and ended up asking the pharmacist for ’some salts that begin with an E, for someone with some kind of ailment.’ She returned from the supermarket with a box of Eno’s Liver Salts, which – handily enough – are a remedy for flatulence, so everything turned out happily in the end!